Playing With Dick and Jane

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Work, Dick. Work!

Posted on Saturday 1 December 2007

Sorry for the lack of posts recently, but a combination of a new job, the holidays and nothing much new to write about have drastically reduced the amount of time I’ve been able to devote to this blog.

Fear not, dear reader. Regular posting will commence again very soon. Susan will be visiting again in the next couple of weeks and I’m getting things under control at work, so new material is soon to follow. :)

If this is your first visit (and you want the whole story), I always suggest you start at the  beginning. If you just want the hot stuff, this is where you want to go.

Humble thanks from both of us for your continued patronage,

-Dick & Jane

Dick @ 6:40 pm
Filed under: General
Sugasm #106

Posted on Friday 23 November 2007

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #107? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks
5 Advanced Deep Throat Techniques
“Suck your man’s penis into your throat, and, while it is deep in, start to hum.”

MILF = Men I’d Like to Fuck
“He knows my body p e r f e c t l y and knows exactly how to make me squirm with pleasure and always knows the right thing to say.”

Reconciling Desire & Reality (part 2)
“The excitement of sharing her, the excitement of my arousal THEORETICALLY should mean a heightening of our own sex life.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
Our fearless leader tells me he’s crazy busy so I’m presenting one from the vaults.
The Six Types of Porn Movie (and How To Get Into Them)

Editor’s Choice
Primed

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above within a week. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

Sex News & Reviews
The End of the Mile-High Club
Fetish Film - Squealer (BSDM, Master, Shibari)
My controversial, nipple-baring Dirty Girls book cover
NEW Culture Shocking Designs!
Sex Toy Review: Mini Bullet One Touch Vibrator

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
Am I born as a Whore?
Floral HNT
He’s Horny and She’s Easy
The Humble Handjob
I’ll assume i’m on the naughty list
Minus One
Obsessive Compulsive Slut
Re-discovering myself
So, doc, when can we…
Virgin Extraordinaire

Sex Poetry
Now and Zen

BDSM & Fetish
The **** machine
Erotica: Mind Games
Generic Pussy?
Get the contract signed- part two: vital lessons
Just a Few Naked Pics of Amy’s Perfect Body
Naked Service
What a Saturday
What is a Daddy Dom? Pt. 2

Sex Advice
Six ways from Sunday - Cowgirl (reversed or otherwise)

Erotic Writing and Experiences
Bad Girl
Betrayal
Dark Cold Moons
Dichotomy
Halloween
Icing on the Cake
Like Me
The Main Course
Multi-tasking
Second Time Around
Sex Party in the Hood
Stressed Wanking

Sex Humor
Fuck’n Fun
Untitled No. 1

Sex Work
Reality Check: Eating Food

NSFW Pics & Videos
Day trip to porno town
Hannah Hilton Sexy Bikini pics
Lisa wants a spanking
Sanctum
Self-portrait in Boots
A Hot Femdom / Slave Boy Strap-On Scene

Dick @ 10:47 am
Filed under: Sugasm
Encounter 3, Part II: How to Properly Fuck a Unicorn

Posted on Tuesday 20 November 2007

Please make sure you read Part I: The Seduction of Susan so you know what the heck is going on.

My mind is racing. My stomach is in a knot. Jane and I are about to get what we have wanted all along.

It’s all a bit much, I’ll tell you.

I walk up the stairs to join the girls and am secretly hoping they are already going at it, but am disappointed when I walk in and find them both sitting on the bed Indian-style, talking. Being the consummate host, I ask if either of them need anything and if they would prefer to watch some porn, listen to music or both.

They like option C, so I hook up my iPod and cue up my special “Bootie Banging Tunes” playlist.

I realize that I am tragically unhip. It’s OK to laugh.

I fire up some tasteful, high-class erotica on the DVD player and move over to join the girls on the bed. They both lean back and start watching the movie.

The vibe is just right as I lean over and start rubbing Jane’s thigh, gently tracing the seam of her jeans from her knee to her crotch.

Pretty soon, I can see Jane is about to burst. The anticipation is killing her and so she just takes off her shirt and bra and puts it all out there.

“I couldn’t take it anymore,” she squeals and leans over and gives me a deep, passionate kiss.

She and Susan then start kissing and I just sit back and enjoy the show. I try not to interfere too much at this point, other than helping the girls disrobe and kind of wandering around with my hands a little bit.

They are totally into each other and I step back for a moment while Jane finishes undressing Susan and starts sucking on her enormous breasts. Jane is naked and Susan is down to just her panties and they are grinding on each other and making out.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Susan is keenly aware of Jane’s previous disappointing experiences with Sally and is intent on showing her what it’s all about. She lays Jane down on the bed and straddles her, kissing down her body stopping to focus on her tits and then, of course, her smooth, wet slit.

I lay down next to the girls and start kissing Jane and playing with her tits while Susan is eating her out.

“Is this what you wanted, baby?” I whisper to my wife, who is writhing and moaning as Susan works her into a frenzy.

“Yes!” she yells/says.

I don’t know if she was answering me or not. Either way, it was the right answer.

Susan continues working Jane’s pussy while I strip down – I already had my shirt off, but wanted to get a little closer to the unclothed state of the girls. I lay back down next to Jane and Susan reaches over and starts rubbing my already hard cock through my underwear while she’s licking Jane’s pussy.

“I think we need to properly welcome our new friend,” I say to Jane, who readily agrees.

We both immediately turn to Susan and lay her down on the bed. I slide her very cute, pink panties off and move up to her left, with Jane on the right. Jane gives Susan a big kiss and I do the same. Her lips are still coated in Jane’s juices and I can taste my wife all over our new lover.

So.

Fucking.

Hot.

We each grab a tit and start licking and sucking. I start rubbing around on Susan, cupping her ample breast in my left hand and gradually working my way down to her pussy. Jane has other ideas and has already started to move down in between Susan’s legs.

My wife likes licking pussy.

Excellent.

I move up and start kissing Susan while Jane goes to town on her clit. I can’t really see what she’s doing, but Susan starts moaning pretty soon and it’s obvious that Jane has some talent when she brings her to a shuddering orgasm.

I’m so proud…

While Jane continues slurping away, I move my hand down and pull the skin around Susan’s pussy tight, making her clit protrude so Jane can get a nice angle on it. I can feel Jane’s tongue wiggling around on Susan’s clit as I rub around on it with my fingers.

I move down and tell Jane that I’d like to join her, if she doesn’t mind. We attempt the logistically impossible task of simultaneous cunnilingus on Susan and eventually Jane just moves out of the way.

Her tongue was getting tired anyway, she told me later.

Amateur.

I move in and start licking Susan, sucking her clit into my mouth and tonguing it as hard as I can. She is very wet and is writhing around on our bed, overtly enjoying the attention.

Susan has another orgasm and, after recovering, moves over to lavish Jane with more attention. She lays Jane down on the bed and straddles her face, then leans down, moving into a sixty-nine.

I am momentarily left out of the circle, but this is scene I could watch for hours.

Note to Self: Next time, set up video camera.

I walk over and grab a quick belt from my cocktail, take off my underwear and rejoin the girls.I start rubbing Susan’s ass while she rides my wife’s face, then commence rubbing around on both of them. Susan sits up and grabs my cock, then takes it into her mouth while I kneel next to them, trying to angle it so she doesn’t have to bend over too awkwardly to take me in.

I do everything I can to accommodate…

After about thirty seconds of that, Susan hops off of Jane and the girls both eye me.

“There’s someone here who hasn’t gotten any attention from us,” says Jane, who apparently did not see Susan inhaling my cock moments earlier.

Who am I to object?

The girls both lean over and start taking turns sucking my cock and balls. One girl is on each side and they both simultaneously start sucking the sides of my dick together, from base to tip.

My brain explodes in a starburst of color and light. I look down and can’t believe my eyes.

This is the part I wanted.

I think I’m going to pass out.

+++

I think too much.

That’s quite apparent if you’ve read any of my previous posts about group/public sex. Once my mind starts racing, it enters this vicious cycle of shame, guilt, embarrassment and the feeling that I’m betraying my wife.

I don’t have any problems when it’s just Jane and me – I never have.

It doesn’t matter that Jane is sitting right there rooting me on – some twisted Puritan morality has invaded the inner reaches of my brain, forcing me to hyper-analyze every move I make, worrying that what I’m doing is somehow “wrong.”

I can’t explain it (and it’s getting better), but it’s clear that I have some “issues” when it comes to sex with more than one person or being watched while I’m having sex.

The scientist in me hypothesizes that when my fantasies become reality, my stupid monkey brain gets overloaded and simply shuts things down as a part of some warped defense mechanism.

The fact that my brain betrays me when it should be embracing the event at hand is quite frustrating. Luckily, it hasn’t ruined any encounters yet.

Especially when it feels every bit as good as I always imagined it would.

+++

Jane and Susan are both sucking me simultaneously and then taking turns inhaling my manhood. My brain is so overwhelmed with pleasure and excitement that I lose it.

Fuck! Why can’t I just relax, let this happen and enjoy it?

Well, I am enjoying it immensely. Though, you wouldn’t know it to look at me.

I need to step away and regroup.

“Um sorry ladies, I need to take five. What can I say? I’m a head case,” I sarcastically state and Susan laughs out loud.

I head downstairs for a few minutes, take a hit from my pipe and light a cigarette. I make myself take ten deep, relaxing breaths to focus my mind on the task at hand. I put my smoke out after only a couple of hits.

I’m ready now.

I head back upstairs to join the girls and they are so into each other that they are practically oblivious to my return.

I spot an opening and dive in under Jane, who is sitting up on her knees. I pull her hips down on my head and start eating her out from below while Susan and Jane both play with my cock and balls, quickly moving me from a semi-aroused state to fully erect in a matter of seconds.

Susan takes me into her mouth and starts bobbing her head up and down on my cock. I am concentrating on licking Jane’s pussy, but my raging hard on (and the attention it’s receiving) are pushing me to the edge very quickly.

I extract myself from underneath Jane and ask, “Who wants to fuck?”

They look at me like I’m stupid.

They both want to fuck.

Decisions, decisions…

Jane is apparently feeling charitable (or she just enjoys watching me fuck other girls) and pushes me towards Susan, stating, “I want to watch you fuck her.”

Never let it be said that I don’t take direction very well in the bedroom. I grudgingly open a condom and roll it over my rigid pole. Susan lies down on her back and I position myself between her legs.

Jane grabs my sheathed cock and inserts it into Susan’s soaking wet pussy.

Talk about surreal…

Susan gasps and her mouth forms a little “O” as I enter her. The “O” face quickly becomes a wide smile as I start plowing into her, fully extracting and pushing deep into her with each stroke. I start fucking Susan hard and rhythmically and Jane kisses me hard, forcing her tongue into my mouth.

“Yeah baby, make those big titties bounce around,” growls Jane.

I do my best to oblige my wife, fucking Susan as hard and fast as I can. Jane starts rubbing all around on my chest and stomach, reaching down to tickle Susan’s clit while I slide in and out.

I lean down and kiss Susan passionately, grabbing her shoulders from underneath and pulling down firmly with each thrust. I feel her tense up and start moaning – I’m doing something right. I position myself so I have a good angle on her G-spot and start working it with the tip of my cock. Susan starts rocking back and forth and starts shaking as her eyes roll back into her head.

Jane starts playing with my balls and teasing my perineum and asshole from behind with her fingers, which are still wet from rubbing around on Susan’s pussy.

If she doesn’t stop that soon, this isn’t going to last long…

Jane stops her digital assault on my nether regions for a moment, until she replaces her fingers

With her tongue.

Ho-ly shit.

Jane starts licking and teasing my perineum and sucking my balls from behind. Suddenly, I feel her wet tongue on my asshole and just about lose it right there – it feels so incredible.

She’s done the ass-licking thing for me before (and I have loved it every time), but to feel that while my cock is buried in Susan’s pussy is completely and utterly mind-blowing.

My wife is a dirty, dirty girl.

God, I love her so much.

The overwhelming sights, sounds, sensations and smells are almost too much for me, but the condom is cheating me from feeling everything I want. And what I want is to feel some wet pussy wrapped around my cock.

I need to fuck Jane. Now.

I withdraw from Susan and rip off the condom, tossing it into the trash can next to our bed. Jane positions herself between Susan’s legs, sticks her ass up in the air and starts licking our guest’s pussy again. I slide into Jane from behind, relishing the skin-on-skin contact with that sweet pussy I have had the pleasure of pleasuring for as long as I can remember.

Sweat is dripping into my eyes and running down my back as I pound Jane from behind. Each stroke shoves my wife’s face into Susan’s clit, harder and harder with each thrust.

I am literally about to collapse from exhaustion. I am soaked with sweat, can taste two pussies on my goatee and, even though I’ve been so close to orgasm a couple of times tonight, I’m not going to be able to keep up this pace without my heart exploding.

Pleasing two women is not easy! It’s certainly gratifying, but is definitely not for the faint of heart.

I can fuck no more and finally crumple in a sweaty heap on Jane’s back. I manage to semi-gracefully roll off to the side, my muscles fatigued, chest heaving and heart racing. Sweat races down the side of my face and chest and onto the soft cotton sheets.

I look over and both girls are pretty much doing the same thing as me - catching their breath.

“Wow,” Susan gasps, “You two really know how to treat a girl right!”

“My tongue is so sore right now,” says Jane, “I have a new respect for men – licking pussy is hard work!”

“Wait until tomorrow. It will hurt even more,” answers Susan, knowingly.

If I’m lucky, she won’t be able to talk at all. ;)

I look at them incredulously.

“Did you think pleasing a woman is easy? My tongue is the strongest muscle on my body! You just need more practice, baby,” I laughingly reply.

“Well, she’s welcome to practice on me anytime,” says Susan, leaning over to kiss Jane.

“That was pretty damn incredible, if you can forget about me being a fucking head case!” I laugh and the girls join in.

“We definitely have to do this again,” I state.

All three of us eagerly agree. This is something I could see happening on a regular basis.

We have been going at it for nearly two hours and it’s getting late. Susan sits up and eases out of bed. She heads for the shower and Jane cuddles up next to me on the bed.

“Baby, that was awesome,” she coos into my ear.

“It was unbelievable! Did you get what you wanted this time?” I ask.

“Oh yes. Now I get what this is all about,” she replies.

I kiss Jane passionately and my dick starts to rise again. I didn’t get to cum – again. :(

I guess I have something to shoot for on our next play date: Have an orgasm!

Susan returns from the shower as we’re dressing. We talk for a few minutes before Susan says that she needs to go.

We walk our new lover down the stairs and help her gather her things. Jane and I each kiss and hug her warmly as she departs and tell her we hope to see her soon.

And believe me; we want to see her again very soon.

Susan drives away and I turn to my wife, looking for that opening that says she will let me get mine tonight.

Thirty minutes later, I empty my load into Jane’s very wet, very red, very sore pussy.

I told you it was all in my head.

Next: Things for Which I am Thankful

Dick @ 6:56 am
Filed under: Sex and Swinging and Threesome and Unicorns
Encounter 3, Part I: The Seduction of Susan

Posted on Monday 19 November 2007

I spend the entire day before our play date with Susan doing nothing but scouring our house. I clean and scrub and bleach and sweep and mop. I put on the new bedsheets and arrange everything in the bedroom for easy access.

The whole place smells like a hospital, which really turns Jane on when she arrives home (seriously, she’s totally demented). She is very nervous about Susan’s visit and starts getting ready while I head to the grocery to get food for dinner.

I pick out three nice steaks, a side dish and some pre-dinner snacks before heading home to get ready myself. I have about an hour before she arrives and Jane is flying around the house like a woman possessed trying to get everything set up and also do her hair and makeup.

I finally kick her out of the bathroom so I can get ready. I rinse the smell of bleach and Formula 409 off my body and am able to reflect on the approaching scene while in the shower.

This is really going to happen! It’s been a lot of work wooing this chick, but I’ll be damned if this isn’t the perfect scenario.

The MILFs are having a party at Rachel’s house two doors down, so Jane is forced to make an appearance. We know that if she doesn’t they will hound her all night long until she does, so she goes over a few minutes before Susan is scheduled to arrive.

The appointed hour arrives and Susan is running a couple of minutes late. After a short delay (giving me time to smoke some weed and have a cocktail), she arrives and is looking great. I invite her in, take her coat and we exchange pleasantries. I grab her a beer, give her a quick tour of our humble abode and, soon enough, Jane has made her escape from the MILFs and returns to warmly greet Susan.

You may remember that Susan is married to an older guy who lets her play since he can’t really keep up with her libido. She calls him to check in and let him know she’s in good hands.

And believe me, she is.

We continue drinking and shooting the shit and the girls are really starting to bond. They have a lot in common and they hadn’t really had too much of a chance to chat since I tend to hog the computer most nights.

I decide it’s time to start dinner, so I fire up the grill and throw on the steaks. I pop in and out to get the side dish prepared and to make sure I’m not going to miss it if they start making out in our living room.

Yeah, that would be hot.

Unfortunately, the girls are able to keep their pants on and we sit down to eat. Susan brought a bottle of wine and it is and excellent compliment to the steaks.

I retire to my office for an after dinner smoke while the girls continue chatting in the living room. After my cigarette, I come out and ask if Susan would like to get high, because Jane and I were going to. She agrees and we pack up a pipe and start smoking.

After a few minutes of smoking and chatting and laughing together, we are definitely starting to feel the effects of the pot. Susan gets up to use the bathroom and I prod Jane to kiss her when she gets back. Jane is feeling a little shy and I kick her in the ass.

“Just lay one on her, baby. You know you want to,” I tease, knowing she can’t resist the dare.

Susan returns from the bathroom and Jane stands up, walks over to her and says, “I have been wanting to do this since we met.”

Jane kisses Susan very softly on the lips and it turns into a very passionate, slow, wet kiss. I lean over so I can get a good angle. I wish I had a camera, but I have a feeling this moment will be etched in my memory for a long time.

See Jane kiss a girl.

Kiss, Jane! Kiss!

If you’ve never watched your wife make out with another chick, I highly recommend it. It was mind-bogglingly sexy and they were both obviously enjoying themselves. After they finish, I walk over and kiss Susan too.

“Her kiss was better,” Susan says, mocking me.

“Must be the goatee,” I reply, “That and Jane is a really good kisser.”

“Yes she is. I can’t wait to see what that tongue can do other places,” coos Susan, visibly aroused by all of this.

This has really gotten the ball rolling. After a little more make-out and touchy-feely time, the girls indicate that they want to go to the bedroom and get things started.

My brain is whirring at a million miles an hour.

This is really happening!

Fucker – stop thinking! That only gets you into trouble.

I sit down and have another cigarette. I need to focus here. Our fantasy is about to become reality, though I really think I’ve had been imagining it little longer than Jane.

Yeah, since I was about twelve and saw it in a porno.

I tell them to go ahead. I’ll join them momentarily.

Next: How to Properly Fuck a Unicorn

Dick @ 2:35 am
Filed under: Sex and Swinging and Threesome and Unicorns
Vanilla Fun and Rough Sex

Posted on Saturday 17 November 2007

We head out to the birthday/costume party on Saturday night. It had an 80s theme and, since that was pretty much our heyday, we know how to dress. Jane has her hair teased way out, a shirt that looks like it was torn from Jennifer Beals, sexy denim miniskirt and fishnet stockings with little skinny-heeled boots.

I look like a grit – mullet wig, jean jacket, ripped up jeans and untied high top shoes. I even pegged my jeans!

Exactly how I looked in the 80s, except my mullet was better.

We arrive at the party about 45 minutes late and things are just getting started. There are about 15-20 people already there milling about. Jane is far and away the craziest dressed person there. She had a ton of blue eye shadow on with sparkles leading back to her temples.

She looks like she belongs in a Whitesnake video. Rowr!

Everyone else is, for the most part, dressed very conservatively which doesn’t surprise me one bit in this stuffy little burb. I think everyone else here were super preps in high school - lots of Izod Lacoste Polo shirts and upturned collars seemed to be the norm.

The MILF squad members are all present and accounted for. Rachel is wearing her bare-midriff cheerleader outfit again.

With the high-heeled porn star saddle shoes.

Guh.

I gotta get a pair of those for Jane. So hot.

We bop around the house chatting with the MILFs, the uptight people and some more uptight people. I had brought a bottle of bourbon, but left it in the car before Rachel suggests that we play Quarters. With liquor, not beer.

Sort of like back in the 80s, but now we drink the good shit. :D

Being quite experienced at Quarters, I agree to play. I retrieve my bottle of bourbon from the car and make myself a cocktail prior to engaging in this immature display of college-esque alcohol abuse. Rachel has a bottle of tequila and Simone finds a couple of half-full bottles of Southern Comfort while raiding their liquor cabinet. Another outside member of the MILFs is introduced to me – it’s Jackie.

Jackie wants to party with us.

The uptight people all gather around to gawk at me trying to teach a French woman how to play quarters. Rachel is already drunk and is unsuccessfully trying to explain how the game works. I take over and actually tell Simone the rules and how the game is played. We pass the glass around and Rachel (who is apparently some sort of Quarters shark) hits on her first attempt.

One shot for Dick.

I enjoy SoCo and quickly down my shot. Rachel goes again and hits again.

Another shot for Dick.

I think she’s trying to get me drunk.

She misses on her next attempt and the turn is mine. I miss.

Fuck.

Jackie is next and she is clueless, bouncing the quarter clean off the table. Simone tries and fails and it’s back to Rachel.

Pling!

See Dick drink!

Shoot it Dick, shoot it!

I am starting to get a little bit queasy at this point and, after Rachel deftly puts the quarter in the glass a second time, I beg off the shot – I really don’t want to get sick. Rachel grudgingly obliges and sends a shot over to Simone.

It finally makes it back around to me and I nail it.

Paybacks are a bitch. Time to show this girl who she’s fooling with…

Rachel does her shot and I sink another. And then a third.

I miss my next shot and the game continues for a short time, only barely before we exhaust our gracious hosts’ supply of liquor. By now, all the MILFs are drunk and Jane is being very amorous towards me, flashing me (and two other shocked male guests) as I have a cigarette.

She’s not even that drunk. My wife is nuts!

At one point later in the evening, I’m leaning against the kitchen counter, surrounded by Simone, Jane, Rachel and Jackie and they suddenly decide to start comparing bras after one of them shows interest in Jane’s strapless boob-covers, which have done an admirable job of keeping her fantastic breasts in check this evening.

They all basically pull up/down their shirts and are admiring each other’s lingerie.

I am apoplectic, unable to disguise my amazement at the scene unfolding in front of me. I look around the room and make eye contact with Jacob (Rachel’s husband – the crazy cop). He smiles, shakes his head and I shrug my shoulders.

What are you going to do? I know I really want to grab his wife’s tits, but resist the urge. No need to get an ass-beating tonight - be it from Jacob or Jane.

I finally extricate myself from the MILF gauntlet, shocked and aroused. I make another cocktail and start mingling with some of the other guests. We hang out for another hour or so, when the hostess pretty much runs us out of the house since she had an early-morning flight to catch.

Jane and I make our way to the car and head home. I am turned on and pretty drunk, and am putting the full-court press on Jane. We head upstairs and get naked.

I start licking her pussy very slowly and then, every so often, thrust my tongue in as far as it will go and grind my chin on her clit. She loves when I do this and closes her thighs tight around my head when she cums – I can’t breathe or hear anything.

And I can’t think of another place I’d rather be.

After her orgasm, she pushes me down on the bed and starts sucking my cock very aggressively. After a few minutes of heaven with her tongue flicking the underside of my penis, we switch spots and I slide into my wife’s wet, slippery snatch, giving it all to her in the first thrust.

She gasps in surprise as I enter her. I tweak her nipple, apparently a little bit too hard. She returns the favor, pinching my nipple and growling, “That’s too hard. Ow!”

I’m not sure what I was thinking, but I decide this is a signal that she wants it rough tonight. I’m happy to oblige and pinch her nipple even harder.

Jane’s eyes go big as saucers – and she is pissed. She slaps me across the face. Hard.

She has never done anything like this to me in bed. I kind of like it!

My eyes go to slits and I stare right through her. I lean down and bite her nipple. She smacks me again – a little harder this time.

I smile a devious smile and slap her right back, hard enough to make my point but not so hard as to leave a mark. She looks shocked as I reach over and grab the paddle from our toy box. I withdraw from her and flip her over roughly, pulling up her ass and entering her pussy from behind.

I smack her ass as hard as I dare with the paddle. Two and a half white stars appear in a field of red on her ass.

I missed. Not entirely, but not with the whole paddle either. A few more swats are in order tonight. The snap of the paddle echoes through our small bedroom as I ride and flog my wife hard and fast from behind.

One more ought to do it – another SNAP! and Jane starts moaning that she’s going to cum. I continue pounding her from behind and finally hit the point of no return. I pour my load into her gaping pussy and withdraw before collapsing on her in a puddle of sweat.

“That was, um, different,” I say to Jane as she rolls me off her and into the wet spot.

“You hurt my nipple. And my ass! And I can’t believe you smacked me back! Fucker!” she whines, then gives me that mischievous look that makes me remember why I married her.

“You deserved it. And don’t kid yourself, those certainly weren’t screams of pain,” I smirk, confident that she liked it a whole lot.

She laughs and walks into the bathroom.

I am satiated, drunk and sleepy. Jane hops in the shower to remove all of the blue eye shadow and makeup she had slathered on for the party.

I pass out, waking up naked, cold and alone around 2 A.M. I get up and get dressed, walking downstairs to get a glass of water and take a few ibuprofen to ward off my impending hangover. Jane is asleep on the couch with the TV blaring. I wrestle the remote out of her hands and turn off the TV, hoping that will wake her. I shake her, trying a little harder to get her moving. She doesn’t budge, so I just go back to bed.

The next morning, we talk about the previous nights adventures and, to be honest, we’re both a little shocked at our behavior. Things are already heating up this week, what with the impending Weekend of Debauchery.

That Wednesday night we get an IM from Jimmy. Janet apparently hurt her back at work and they are really sorry, but they wouldn’t be able to play Saturday. She has a bulging disk that needs surgery sooner rather than later, so they make an appointment for her and now we can focus solely on Susan.

Whew. I was starting to get worried about how that was going to work out.

To be honest, this is the best possible thing that could have happened. I know we will be exhausted on Saturday after entertaining Susan Friday, and without having some time to decompress from that, neither Jane nor I felt quite 100% right playing back-to-back with Jimmy and Janet. We were going to do it just to keep our word to them, but I don’t know how “into it” we necessarily would have been.

Or able to actually move…

I hope it’s not a copout or a case of cold feet, but I really don’t think it is. They have been the ones consistently making themselves available to play, so I don’t think they would beg off without a legitimate reason.

I plan out the rest of my week, eagerly anticipating our Friday night rendezvous.

Next: The Seduction of Susan

Dick @ 6:03 pm
Filed under: Couples and Exhibitionism and Sex and Unicorns
Sugasm #105

Posted on Tuesday 13 November 2007

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #106? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks
Bonbon
“I feel him start; then he groans into my mouth, a deep helpless sound, and I know I’ve got him.”

Domme virginity lost
I’m not asking you. I’m telling you. You know that, don’t you, sweet boy?”

Reality Check: Lessons Learned From Clients
“From my conversations I’ve learned a number of things that have helped me, educated me and surprised me.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
Belladonna Likes Heroin

Editor’s Choice
Each Mirror has two sides

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above within a week. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

NSFW Pics & Videos
Anetta Keys - Mischief In Mind
Carmella Bing - Keeping It Hardcore
Erica Campbell nude by Andrew Blake
The Hottest Babes… Right Here, Right Now
How to behave after sex
Jade | Mirage

Sex News, Reviews & Advice
At least he’s not going blind!
Lust, Caution review
NEW Gender Bending Designs
Orgasm - Do You Fake It?
Pierced for Play
Pjur Eros BodyGlide Original Silicone Lubricant Review
Top 7 Horror Porns

Erotic Writing and Experiences
At Your Service
Boy
Catalina loves (Polyamorous) Fantasies - Part II
Confessions: Babysitter
Encounter 2, Part II: All About Jane
Having her cake
How zep got me my first feel of tit
“I’m not having sex with you in here.”
A Letter…
Sexual Initiation
Splick
Symplexity Presents: The Friendly Skies
An Unexpected Opportunity

Sex Work
In the Heart of Real America: How Porn Made Me a Patriot

BDSM & Fetish
About last night…
Beat Me Baby: A Step in Submission!
Bitch in heat
Dirty, Filthy, Nasty Instructions
Feeling a Twitch
Goofiness
I Will So Whip Your Ass
A Little Fantasy I Wrote For The Mrs.
Masturbation Fantasies
Men are dogs: a fantasy
On Hands and Knees
Re-Education Part 2: A Fantasy
Revisiting the piss slit
Shame, Shame, Shame; Shame of Fools
Whippings in the eighteenth century

Sex Poetry & Recipes
Cooking With Mandy: Get Your Ass In the Kitchen Slut and Spend Some Quality Time With Your Husband Pasta with Shrimp
Friday Poem: Hot Boobs and Spam
Then

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
“As Long As Your Vagina Looks Good…”
Ethical Adultery
Femme vs. Feminine
The Full Body Project, or Fat Can be Sexy, Part 2
Need, Want, Love
Return to sender
Sleepy HNT
Today is “Mom the Minx(’s)” Birthday
You Are So Sexy

Dick @ 8:28 pm
Filed under: Sugasm
Date with a Unicorn

Posted on Sunday 11 November 2007

We finally manage to find a hole in both our schedules and Susan’s to meet for a drink after work one evening. This was quite a coup on all of our parts, since we’re so damn busy.

When are we going to find time to play?

If she’s into us, we’ll make the time, damn it.

I am the first one to arrive at the bar. I pick an out-of-the-way table in the corner, so as few people will be privy to our conversation as possible. Jane is next to make an appearance and she looks great! I am so lucky.

We get drinks and start talking about things when suddenly, Susan walks through the door. Jane and I both stand and warmly greet our (hopefully) future lover. Nothing more than a hug and a kiss on the cheek, but her skin was warm and soft and she smelled great.

We get some more drinks and order a bit of food to ease the tension. The girls start talking immediately, mostly about girl and family stuff. I am just sitting there admiring the scene and occasionally jumping in with a few quips of my own.

Susan and I have chatted so much that there’s really not much left for us to discuss. This is about Jane and her.

It is about as vanilla of a date as I’ve ever seen. The good thing is, there is attraction on all sides (I think – at least Jane and I both like her). We’ve already seen her naked in the videos and pics and she knows what we look like, too, so it’s pretty much up to personality deciding where this is going to go from here.

And things look very promising.

We have several rounds of drinks and finish up our appetizers. The time is quickly approaching 8pm, which is when we told the sitter we would be back.

We have to go. :(

I walk the girls out and Jane gives Susan a big hug and kiss on the cheek. Jane gets in her car and I walk Susan over to hers. I totally puss out and give her a hug and a big kiss on the cheek, though I wanted to do so much more.

Jane told me afterward that she really wanted to lay one on her and Susan felt the same, as I learned in chat later that night.

I think we’re in. :D

We return home, pay the sitter and hang out with the kid for a bit before bedtime. After we finally get her to bed, Jane and I have a chance to discuss the evening’s events.

“I liked her,” I state for the record.

“Well, I really liked her,” answers Jane, “Hope she liked us.”

“Bloop,” beeps the computer, indicating a new instant message from…Susan!

Susan: So glad we finally got to meet!

D&J: So are we. We are just sitting down to talk about it.

S: Cool. I want a full report.

D&J: Are you sure? ;)

S: Only the good stuff – hehe

D&J: no worries on this end

S: Whew. Mine either.

S: So, I passed the test?

D&J: With flying colors. And us?

S: U guys are awesome! Exactly what I expected

S: I was tempted to kiss Jane right there on the street

D&J: You should have. She says she wishes you would have.

S: That is one hot mama u have! Looking forward to a long happy friendship

D&J: So are we. And I agree – got me a keeper.

And we sign off, content in the knowledge that we may actually get what we originally wanted from this!

Jane and I talk it over and, after comparing schedules with Susan, find that the following Friday is about the only possible free time any of us will have to get together until after the first of the year. We invite her to come to our house, since she is very down to earth and doesn’t appear to be a stalker.

She accepts. Woohoo!

It just so happens that this particular Friday is the night before the date we set up weeks ago with Jimmy & Janet.

Crap. I am going to be one sore motherfucker after that weekend.

And it will be so worth it.

The one positive is that I will be off for the entire week preceding our planned weekend of debauchery, which will give me time to:

  1. Clean the hell out of our house.
  2. Rest up for a weekend of non-stop fucking.
  3. Masturbate furiously.
  4. Do some freelance work.

Jane and Susan meet for lunch later in the week – I am quite nervous that they are meeting without me, but I figure I will just let this go where it will. It ends up fine – they are getting to know each other better and I like that.

And it turns out I have nothing to worry about. As usual.

I think too damn much.

I wish I were dumb, sometimes. Life would be so much easier.

Next: Vanilla Fun and Rough Sex

Dick @ 4:32 pm
Filed under: Swinging and Unicorns
Encounter 2, Part II: All About Jane

Posted on Wednesday 7 November 2007

Be sure to read “Part I: Trick or Treat?” so you know what the heck is going on.

Jane and I enter the big room and there is only one other couple in there – they are fucking on the bed across from us. We drop our towels and start getting things warmed up.

I am focusing on Jane tonight – she’s going to have a good time, damn it.

Soon enough, Sally enters with … The Cap’n?

No complaints from Jane on Sally’s choice of partner, that’s for sure.

He is wearing his awesome pirate hat (at the request of Sally). They lie down next to us and start kissing. Soon after, things start getting heated.

Jane and I are 69ing at first but then shift around to pay some attention to our friends. Sally mentions that she needs to pay back Jane for not reciprocating during our last encounter and The Cap’n is very into my blushing bride.

They both lay Jane down and Sally starts tonguing her.

“It is so hot watching you getting your pussy licked by her!” I whisper into Jane’s ear.

“She’s not very good,” Jane says under her breath, so only I can hear.

I am playing with Jane’s tits and kissing her while Sally is playing with her naughty bits. The Cap’n joins her and soon enough, Sally yields Jane’s pussy to her superior officer.

“You’ll probably do a much better job than me,” she says, moving aside.

I don’t think Jane is going to object after that half-hearted effort…

He dives in and does his thing and Jane starts moaning soon after. While I am I’m sucking Jane’s tits and talking dirty to her, I suddenly feel a mouth on my cock and really, really hope that it’s Sally.

Thank God.

In spite of the fact that I am totally mentally into this, I am still very focused on Jane as The Cap’n brings her to another orgasm. She looks so beautiful when she cums and The Cap’n comments on that same fact.

Several times.

“You could squirt if you try,” he tells Jane, “You just have to let go! Just relax and let it go. You can do it! You like that, don’t you…”

I smile inside. My wife is so beautiful and really enjoying the attention from everyone. Yay!

“Does she cum a lot?” asks Sally about Jane as she has her third or fourth screaming orgasm in the last ten minutes.

“Yeah, I usually lose count,” is my reply.

The scene is rapidly descending into an informal orgy as two more couples come into the room and lay down next to the four of us. I force myself to concentrate and not watch anyone else – we know where that leads…

I think this is my issue with public sex as opposed to just simple group sex in a private setting. Like I have mentioned, I don’t particularly like being exposed and naked around a bunch of other people when anyone can walk in at anytime.

I feel vulnerable and that’s not exactly confidence-inspiring. To me, sex is a very private act and I am always paranoid about getting “surprised” when I’m vulnerable.

An actual conversation I had with myself at this moment:

“Not again! Why in the hell did I come to another orgy?”

“Because it’s an orgy, stupid.”

“Oh, yeah.”

It’s the unpredictable nature of this room that causes me to ride a roller coaster of hard-soft-hard-soft-hard over the next 20 minutes as The Cap’n and I rotate partners. He is also having some performance issues - mostly related to wearing a condom. This is a shame because Jane really wants to fuck him.

She recounted after the fact that “I got him nice and hard when I was sucking his dick, but it was like that condom was kryptonite…”

I can definitely sympathize, but say nothing. No guy wants to hear “It happens, bro” from another guy. It’s bad enough coming from a girl, but you definitely don’t want to hear that from a dude. He continues trying to pleasure the girls orally and manually and is clearly having a really good time, in spite of his problem.

Jane mentions later that he told her he usually has to take a half Viagra to keep things moving with a condom on. He also tells her that he is 47 years old.

And I thought Sally made me feel old.

I am able to keep focused as Jane joins me again.

“I want to fuck,” she states matter-of-factly.

She has managed to keep me at attention, so I gladly roll her over and slide into that sweet pussy, sans condom.

She is my wife, after all.

While I’m fucking Jane, there is a pile of bodies next to us, writhing and moaning. Jane and Sally start making out while I’m fucking her and Sally starts playing with Jane’s boobs. I grab Sally’s hand and place it on Jane’s pussy while I am sliding my cock in. Sally rubs around on Jane’s clit and pretty soon, she’s having another orgasm.

The Cap’n starts playing with Jane’s tits, kissing her and talking dirty, Sally is still rubbing Jane’s clit and I am pounding her as hard and fast as I can.

It’s no wonder Jane has another earthshaking orgasm a few seconds later.

Then Sally (it better have been Sally – I never did see who it was) starts tickling my balls from behind while I’m fucking Jane, tracing my testicles and perineum with her nails.

Oh my.

That’s why I go to orgies!

During this activity, I get about as close to my own orgasm as I will get tonight. At least at the club. It’s too bad she only did it for about 10 seconds or I would have.

Jane is the focus and she is going to be the center of attention tonight. This is what it’s all about: Fucking my wife while another chick plays with both of us.

Selfish? Yes.

The truth? Yes.

Jane and I stop fucking and she moves over to help Sally try to get things moving with The Cap’n. Sally climbs on top of him and starts shaking her tits in his face and kissing him while Jane sucks his dick. I am fingering Jane from behind while she sucks him. I reach over and start fingering Sally from behind while she straddles The Cap’n on all fours.

My hand is literally inches away from touching his cock. I have never touched another man’s penis and don’t particularly want to start tonight.

I am extra careful not to get too close, but Sally is plainly enjoying this, so I stick another finger in and start trying to hit her G-spot. I have two fingers in each girl and both are pushing back on my hands with each simultaneous thrust now.

Yeah, this is going in the blog…

They are unable to make any progress with him and I manage to avoid any incidental contact with another man’s genitals. :D

Jane tells me she wants to fuck me some more, since nothing was happenin’ with The Cap’n.

Shortly after this, Jane and I are fucking and we look up and one of the other girls has stolen The Cap’n’s hat and is showing it off while fucking her husband. He asks for it back and she taunts him. “You’re gonna have to come and get it…” she says, invitingly.

The Cap’n moves over to wrest his hat away from the thieving wench while she bounces up and down on her man’s dick. I lose track of the scene after that, trying mostly to focus on fucking Jane. After a bit, The Cap’n starts playing with the hat thief and her man moves over to join Sally.

He and Sally mess around for a bit and then Sally – apparently resigned to the fact that I am occupied with Jane – starts fucking him.

I certainly wanted (and planned) to fuck Sally tonight, but the world is not going to end if I don’t. It’s clear what her intentions are, since I was obviously going to be able to perform much better than I did during our first meeting. But her petulant behavior when I was not paying attention to her kind of turned me off and I honestly wasn’t that disappointed that nothing happened between us.

I think she thinks I’m a little more into her than I really am.

Oh well.

Tonight is about Jane and she is feeling good about herself (for a change). She was the center of attention and I’m so happy she felt so sexy and wanted.

Not to mention having about ten orgasms!

We finish up fucking and, since everyone who is able already has a partner, we decide to head downstairs. We’re not going to get kicked out of here at 3am again.

We are disheveled and sweaty as we make our way to the car, but still energized and really, really hungry. We run through a late-night drive thru and grab some chow.

After we finish eating, I let our food settle and then set to trying to get Jane to have sex with me again. Jane, ever the trooper, gives it up to me with a healthy dose of Astroglide.

I get my orgasm at last, not even caring if Jane gets yet another one…

Selfish prick, aren’t I? ;)

Next: Date With a Unicorn

Dick @ 11:01 pm
Filed under: Couples and Exhibitionism and Sex and Sex Club and Swinging
Encounter 2, Part I: Trick or Treat?

Posted on Monday 5 November 2007

It’s fast approaching Halloween and we’re still jonesing to play. Problem is, we have a costume party we promised some old friends that we would attend.

Halloween is the second best party of the year at the club (apparently) and we are really thinking about going. We hear from Sally and she can’t find any “pals” to go to the club with her.

This sparks some debate and we think more strongly about going, if only to get Sally to lick Jane’s pussy. We figure the vanilla party will be breaking up around 10pm, so we still have plenty of time to go play.

Jane loves Halloween and I really don’t care for it. I always pick an uncomfortable costume and end up taking it off halfway through the night, which is the plan anyway if we go to the club.

I grudgingly agree to wear a costume. ;)

We end up dressing as pirates after Jane finds a sexy (and pretty classy) pirate wench costume and a matching pirate dude outfit for me. It is actually comfortable and fits properly.

We look so cute when we arrive at the vanilla party.

And the party sucks.

I have thrown a lot of parties in my day and there are four things that make a party fun:

  1. Good guests
  2. Good music
  3. Alcohol (or other intoxicating items)
  4. Hot Girls

This party had none of those things (except #3). I’m honestly ashamed for the hosts – there is no music (the DJ did not show up), no food (except some chips & salsa) and nobody looks like they are having fun. It’s a bunch of people sitting around in costume, drinking beer and talking.

Boooooo!

No hot chicks, either. Except Jane and our neighbor Rachel, who is wearing a bare midriff cheerleader outfit and these high-heeled saddle shoes that are just porn star hot. She has had a few beers and is overtly friendly towards me, since her husband is not there.

Uh oh. What the hell, do I just radiate something all of the sudden?

We beat a hasty exit after about 45 minutes and call Sally while en route to let her know we’re on the way. She is also getting ready to head out to the club, so the timing couldn’t have been better. We see her walking in as we pull into the parking lot.

Nice. I’ll have a girl on each arm. I should have dressed as a pimp…

The vibe in the club was very different this time around. There are no “Beautiful People.”

Where could they be?

I really don’t care.

We claim the corner of the room typically occupied by the Beautiful People. Jane has morphed into the de facto social director, talking and flirting with everyone who walks by. We are very popular tonight and have a little clique of our own forming around us.

Except our clique is inclusive, assholes.

We are bouncing around the room and being friendly and flirty with everyone. We are really having a great time tonight. There are a lot of sexy, fun costumes here.

We’ve also been chatting with another couple at the swinger site for a while. They stood us up last time we came to the club, so we aren’t expecting them to actually show. We are surprised when they approach to say hello. The wife is cute and very nice, but her husband is so drunk that he can barely put together a complete sentence. He is being belligerent and a little obnoxious and his wife is continually rolling her eyes at his antics.

Apparently, he had six drinks before they even got to the club and had continued throwing down since they arrived.

I can sympathize, since we’ve been there. But, I smell a fight on the way home for these two…

We had another surprise: The gorgeous older woman and her flyboy husband are back! For our purposes, we’re just going to nickname them Belle and Flyboy.

Belle is looking better than ever and is very flirty with both Jane and I. We were so nervous (and scared) the first time we met them that it’s a wonder that she remembers us at all. But apparently, we did make a decent impression, because she proceeds to invite us to their house (a 3 hour drive) for a big sex party.

I hope we get to play with them tonight – she’s giving us both “the eye.” I want to suck on those amazing tits. Unfortunately, they brought friends up with them and they all eventually end up in one of the private rooms. If we don’t make it to their party, I hope we get to play with them at some point.

Jane even got past her mustache issues and is willing to give the hubby a shot!

I am feeling pretty good about the whole evening so far: We both look great, are being flirty and social and having a lot of fun so far. Then, I am keenly aware of another pirate who enters the room.

Basically, compared to this guy, I look like the fucking cabin boy. The Cap’n (as he will be known) is dressed to the nines. His costume is fucking incredible – replica guns and knives, a real leather mug and a little brown jug of spiced rum, a shaved head, lots of pirate jewelry and tattoos.

His hat, a great example of what a “real” pirate hat looks like (complete with feather headdress), probably cost more than my entire outfit.

He eyes us as he walks by and I give him the “guy nod” which prompts him to approach on his next pass. I bow humbly to his superior costume, looking like Wayne and Garth when they meet Alice Cooper.

I am not worthy.

He proceeds to give Jane a string of beads with a clip on the end and puts it in her hair. He gives her a little kiss afterward and tells her he thinks she’s beautiful.

He is blatantly hitting on my wench!

And Jane likey.

He offers me a shot of spiced rum and I accept. I better get something out of this deal.

Ahh, liquor and jewelry, the way through me and into my wife’s pants…

The Cap’n continues hanging around with our group, getting more and more amorous towards my wife. Sally has been up my ass all night, even acting a little jealous when I flirted with some other women (including the Southern Belle). Several of the women from the other couples we are hanging with just simply don’t get the dynamic between Jane and I.

“He just put his arm around her and whispered in her ear!” they say to Jane.

“He just patted her ass and she gave him a kiss!” they say again.

“He has already fucked her, so what’s the big deal?” Jane tells them, matter-of-factly.

There are even prudes in the club! What the hell are these people even here for?

Then, the unthinkable happens: Sally has an awkward moment with a guy she has met outside the club. He’s nerdy, kinda shy and not very good looking. He is obviously fascinated with Sally. They talk for a while, but she is not interested at all.

He’s very nice, but I already know we are going have to rescue her from this poor guy. He hovers around our little group for a long time – Sally gives him the brush off and he’s not getting the hint. Even though he’s welcome to hang out with us, Sally does not want to play with him (and neither do we).

When it’s time to play, Jane and I formulate a game plan – I go out for a smoke and Jane grabs Sally to “go to the bathroom with her” and we rendezvous in the locker room, sans geeky guy.

Our clique is inclusive. Our bed is not.

I have had no liquor this evening (except the shot of rum). I’ve stuck to beer only and I’m glad. I have a nice buzz from the weed/beer combo and I’ve literally been standing here semi-erect all night long. No performance issues this time around.

Right?

Right…

Next: Encounter 2, Part II: All About Jane

Dick @ 11:00 pm
Filed under: Couples and Exhibitionism and Sex and Sex Club and Swinging
Sugasm #104

Posted on Monday 5 November 2007

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #105? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks
Awkward Sex Attempts (and Other Common Experiences)

“This put a slight damper on the “sexy” feelings I was trying to work up.”

Do You Want Me To Call You A Whore?

“Who doesn’t like having their hair pulled during sex?”

Two Fer

“Neither of us heard the front door open when Jason’s roommate came home.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
Girls and Guns

Editor’s Choice
Being a Feminist in the sex industry

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above within a week. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
Go Ahead. Label Me
Oldie But Goodie - Altoids And Blow Jobs
Short and Sexy?
Why Doesn’t My Wife Want to Have Sex with Me Anymore?
Why I HATE the Term “Cuckold”

BDSM & Fetish
Always Your Slut Part 2
Angela-la Cake - Bloggers getting sweaty
Different
Fucking machines
Story: The Perils of Drink
Straight Boy Gets Fucked in the Ass
Unmasking
Who Doesn’t Dream About She Males?

Sex News & Reviews
Kumi Is A Yummy Fetish Model
NEW Bold & Sassy Designs!

NSFW Pics & Videos
Angelina Crow - Peep Show
Annette Schwarz (updated)
Catalina loves HNT (Bondage Tape)
Exotic Bloom
If I had a clone…
Merry Samhain!
More Naked Lazer Bunny Hotties

Erotic Writing and Experiences
All About the Tricks
Ancient and Debauched
Backdoor Love
Cream for my Coffee?
The dangers of blogging
First Encounter
The first time: Having sex with my wife.
I dreamed of Margene
New Beginning
Sex Report: Poolside Follies
The six days of halloween
“Smokin Ass” or Halloween Remembered
Touching

Dick @ 6:57 pm
Filed under: Sugasm

Cunning Linguists

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