We are preparing to go to the club on Saturday afternoon. Jane got a Brazilian wax on Friday and I prepare for my shameless display of public nudity by getting out the ol’ beard trimmer and cleaning up some trouble spots (nose, ears, etc) and thinning out my chest and armpit hair.

Jane lays down on the floor and spreads her pussy for me.

“Do you see any strays that my waxer missed?” she asks, “Grab the tweezers or a razor and take care of those for me.”

I perform my depilatory duties with vigor, lay a nice lick and a kiss on her clit and return to my previous task. I love a smooth pussy.

I also hate body hair – it’s just a thing with me. I’m not a super hairy guy (luckily), so my task isn’t that difficult. I’ve shaved my “special area” for about 5 years. Jane and I got into shaving shortly after we got married when I did it on a whim one weekend to surprise her.

I was the one who got the surprise! Everything felt spectacular! Oral sex was unbelievable and once we started fucking, the skin on skin sensations made me wish it had never grown in at all during puberty. Hell, a light breeze would get me going! I have been smooth ever since.

I shower, shave my crotch and face (different razors, of course) and get dressed. Naturally, Jane is not ready yet, so I sit down and smoke a cigarette.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” I ask, “I’m cool with it and everything, but I just don’t want you to freak out after we’ve paid $50 to get in.”

“Yes, I’m sure,” she answers and gives me a little wink. If she doesn’t hurry up, we’re going to be eating fast food in the car in order to make it to the orientation and tour, which starts at 8pm.

I like to get a good foundation in my belly if I know I’m going to drink. It slows the absorption of the alcohol and keeps things calm down there. A steak or a nice big burger usually fit the bill.

So…we eat fast food in the car on the way to the club. It wasn’t very satisfying and wouldn’t be the last disappointment of the night. KFC Popcorn Chicken is not gonna cut it if I’m drinking whiskey. But it’ll have to do.

We drive to the club, park, grab our stuff and walk in. The lobby is nice and really gives no clue as to what lies behind the locked security door.

“Hi! Where are you?” says the girl behind the counter.

“Hello,” I reply, puzzled, “This is the Lollipop Club, right?”

“Yes! What is the Lollipop Club?” she asks me.

“Um, well it’s, um an alternative lifestyle club for adults,” I mumble, embarassed.

“Gimme more,” she demands.

I hem, I haw, I stammer and I stutter and finally just look at my shoes.

“Shit, it’s a swingers club!” Jane finally blurts out, clearly frustrated at my inability to get to the fucking point.

“Alrighty then, I take it it’s your first time here,” she smirks, “Please fill out this form and I need to see your I.D.’s”

We pay, get our membership card and BUZZ!

Even though I think I just peed myself a little, I push open the security door and we enter a whole new world.

+++

 

The first place on the tour is the locker room. We put our stuff in a locker, lock it up and follow the tour guide around. She takes us out into the club area and we put our drinks in the glass-doored commercial refrigerator.

I quickly make us both a cocktail – we’re gonna need more than a few of these tonight.

Next, she takes us to the theme rooms around a big lobby area with lots of couches. There isn’t anybody playing yet, so we get to see all of the rooms. Most are nice, some (like the Dungeon) are not so nice, though I wouldn’t mind spending an evening in there with Jane and a riding crop…

We are then taken to the Orgy Room. It is very large with 4-5 king size beds jammed together on each side of the room and a walkway in the middle. It is well lit, but not bright and had a very interesting vibe to it.

“Only couples and single females are allowed in here. Everybody has to be naked. That’s the rule!” said our tour guide. She then went through a list of the club rules for us. Common sense stuff like:

1. No means no.
2. No drugs
3. No soliciting
4. No smoking inside the club (bastards!)
5. Proper attire is required.

All reasonable requests, except the no smoking rule. They do have an enclosed smoking area outside that is sheltered from the wind and elements.

The tour ends and I need another cocktail. So does Jane. I pour myself a strong one and her a weak one and am really needing a cigarette about now. Jane accompanies me to the smoking tent and we hang out with the smoking swingers.

Being a smoker has made me more friends than just about any other activity in which I’ve ever engaged. Smokers tend to be friendly to one another since the rest of society has seen it fit to turn us all into pariahs. So we suffer in misery together and plot ways to overthrow the anti-smoking politicians who recently passed this bullshit law in our state.

We make a couple new smoker friends and then we run into Doug. Doug is an older guy, single, and bisexual. He found our contact info on the group message board and has been chatting with us this week. He was very friendly and outgoing and clearly wanted to fuck us.

It was not happening. Not now and not ever. He’s a really nice guy, but there’s no attraction there at all.

So we are feeling pretty good at this point. I make another drink and Jane takes a pass. We decide to sit and talk with a couple who was eying us as we walked by. She was in her early 40’s, was very pretty and had big, blonde hair and the most beautiful, enormous breasts we’ve ever seen.

She and her husband were from the South and a rural area at that. They were decent looking and pretty friendly – they had actually flown their airplane up to go to this club and spend the weekend in our fair city. We sit and talk with them for a bit – they are full swap and she wants to play tonight. He is eyeing Jane, but I know immediately that he has no chance.

He has a mustache.

Jane hates mustaches on men. “It’s like kissing my father!” she always says, “Goatees are fine because of the chin hair – I know it’s not Dad.”

We leave them and start roaming around the club. There is a little clique of what you would call “beautiful people” that all hang out in one corner. The girls are all hardbodied hotties who literally change outfits at least 4-5 times per night. The guys are all muscleheads and none of them associate with anyone outside their little perfect-bodied peer group.

But there were a lot of normal looking folks wandering around. After a bit, some more sexy outfits started making an appearance. A topless girl went on the dance floor and danced by herself for a little while until one of her friends came out to join her.

And then the DJ announces that it’s somebody’s birthday and a bunch of “bigger” girls escort the largest woman in the room (at least 250 lbs) on to the dance floor and sit her down in a chair. They all proceed to give her lap dances, play with her tits, lick her pussy and work on her with a vibrator.

Now, if these girls had been remotely good looking, it would be enjoyable. Even so, I find myself remarking to Jane, “Even though those girls are disgusting, that is still kind of hot.”

We (OK, I) decide we will not stay for the finale and we head over to check out the action in the theme rooms.

By this time, I am feeling no pain. Jane is pretty tipsy herself and I suspect that she’s going to throw up at some point. She has a very low tolerance for alcohol.

We stumble into the theme room lobby area and there are about 10-15 people milling around and chilling on the couches. We start making small talk with some of them, introducing ourselves, trying to watch the guy on the couch make the woman next to him cum. At least someone was doing something!

Jane grabs my arm and says, “I gotta go bafroom.”

“Do you need help, hon?” I query.

“Awwl be arright baby,” she slurs.

Uh oh. Jane is gonna hurl. At least she made it to the bathroom and didn’t do it on the dance floor.

That would be embarrassing.

She comes out looking pretty pale.

I ask if she’s ok and she nods, “Get me water.”

We walk back out to the club area and get her a bottle of water. She downs it and starts looking a little better. I, on the other hand, am trashed. How are we gonna get home? It’s like midnight and we’re both ripped.

Not good.

We decide to chill on the drinking for a bit. The club area is very crowded. Jane stays inside while I head for Flavor Country.

Oh no! It’s Doug and he is giving me the eye. I smoke my cig and get the fuck out of there. When I come back in, the entire club area has cleared out. Where did everyone go?

Oh…I get it. They went to fuck! Duh.

I find Jane and we chill for a bit, just watching the few people left and some porn on the big screen.

Jane starts feeling a lot better and suggests that we try to get into one of the theme rooms. As we reach the lobby, a guy stops us.

“Are you guys looking for a threesome?” he inquires.

“Um, not tonight, but thanks,” is my reply.

We head into the lobby the only room available is the Police room. I guess it’s for people with uniform fetishes or whatever. It had pulsating blue flashers and it kinda made me motion sick.

Not good.

Jane puts the velvet rope across the threshold, which basically means that people can watch, but not come in. I told you she likes to show off!

Well, we start messing around and she sucks me until I’m at attention. I am naked by this time and so is she.

We I switch positions and I return the favor, but while I’m down there, I have the acute sensation of being watched.

And watching they are.

My heart sinks.

Other parts shrink.

Jane notices my “problem” and closes the door, thinking a little privacy will help get things moving again. She gives it a top-notch effort, but I am too drunk and numb to do anything about it.

We finish up, dress and get ready to head home.

I am so drunk that I let Jane, whose middle name is “Crash,” drive my brand new car. We make it back safely, run through Taco Bell to grab a bite to eat and head home.

We eat and talk about our fiasco of a night. We shouldn’t have gotten so fucked up.

I am feeling better after the food and we head to bed.

I am not done with her yet. We have some drunken, sloppy sex at about 4am. It was good and I got off, but I have to say the evening was a little bit disappointing.

But at least we know it was our fault. Next time will be different.

Next Time: Drama!